Self-portrait in a convex mirror.
Today is 5.14.02, the time is 4:15 p.m.
Darling don't you go and cut your hair
do you think it's gonna make him change?
I'm just a [girl] with a new haircut
(and that's a pretty nice haircut). Today I've been not unlike a self-flaggellate. Throwing myself into the arms of guilt because I am not suffering. Trying to stave off the Purgatory that is sure to follow graduation. It occurs to me that I sound quite morbid.
Anyway, I spent today shopping and getting my haircut. Making myself look better. And of course this makes me feel incredibly guilty because
- I have no money.
- It is the heart of exam week, and I am not spending my time studying. This makes me lazy and apathetic.
- I am surrounded by people cramming information into their brains. I do not pity them.
- I realize that I actually have no real need to stuff my brain at this point in time (I have only 2 exams at the end of the week, and neither promises to be very difficult), and furthermore, I have no desire to do so. In turn, I realize that I am quite vain to think I can succeed without effort.
- I recall a quote from Fight Club: self-improvement is like masturbation. Consider me soiled.
Reading over this list makes me realize that an appreciation of self-conscious art is my fatal flaw.